My first STD was from a foam party
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
