Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
