that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
