I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
