I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
