if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
