The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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