My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
