if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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