My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
