I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
