DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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