I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
