Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
And then he peed in my hair
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