just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
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Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
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SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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