There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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