Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
