If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
