I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
