She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
