For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
