I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
