Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
