i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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