He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
