I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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