i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
