I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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