Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
