did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You made out with two different species that night
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
