You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
