he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My ass is underappreciated
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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