Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
