dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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