So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
