I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
