is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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