i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
