They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
