She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
