Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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