If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
