onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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