The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
