im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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