did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
