dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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