I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also, beer. Big fan.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
