Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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