I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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