I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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