Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Text me some of your sweat
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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