i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
ttyl tear gas
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
