What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
