That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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